unicorns dont fucking exist
For a ski bum photographer like me to go on a heli ski trip in the ski dream land haines alaska is a pure phantasy , a dream alike seeing unicorn shitting rainbows. That was until i met with christian cabanilla in chamonix ….after a few days showing him the best of chamonix , a road trip thru switzerland and a month worth of a platonic internet relationship he made it clear that i will enjoy the AK powder this year. Wether i want it or not. i am happily kidnapped. He hooked me up with seaba (south east alaska backcountry adventure) , organized my itinary , paid for my lodging and a month worth of food. When i arrived in juneau, we immediatly floated to haines where i met with the seaba crew and the fort seward lodge . I was thrilled and exited , everyone there is hearthy, genuine and are characters. The guides, the cooks , the owners every one is the embodiement of awesome. There are no plain , boring persona. The fort seward lodge is unique and it is clear that you are here to ski. You could easily compare seaba/ fort seward lodge with chamonix. It has the same vibe the same kind of people. A skier’s dream. The first 5 days were shitty weather :we went slednecking , met with awesome locals. Chris was sick for 2 days which i spent making a cattrack with nick trimble (one of the owner of seaba) for future catskiing. When the first clear day came up, i was hired by guests to take picture of their day. That day was my first day skiing AK, my eyes wide open looking at the endless snowporn in front of me. . The second day, cab and myself were given a seat with 2 AK locals who come and ski here frequently. They are good riders so the pace is fast and the runs bigger and steeper. I am skiing the dream: Haines, AK. Cab is so stoked to see me having a blast . living the dream. …. But. Unicorns dont exist and the fuckin ridge broke off. In 3 seconds i fell off from heaven thru the 300 meter asshole of hell and with no rainbows. Its like a nightmare, an out of body experience. I could see my body bounce off stuff and fall thru darkness. Painless but frightening. Cab is dead. And im here in haines ak, in his house , in his bed, in the middle of his clothes . Broken up, heart broken and completly lost. I was not expecting a 7 days trip in haines. it was more a month worth of skiing a safer-than-cham snow heaven . but destiny decided otherwise i guess, the bitch. why so short? why chris?. WHY now?
The seaba crew and guests helped me a lot recovering, trying to see the light. I m poping oxy like candies. Drinking beers smoking. Trying to figure out what to do, what to think, what to understand. What did i learn from cab’s death, from that fuckin accident. Nothing really. Or nothing i didnt know already. I will go back to haines . To the fort seward lodge skiing with seaba. (well! without cab’s loving generosity it might just stay a dream. )
Time will take care of the my loss: Chris Cabanilla. my beloved friend. my brother in arms. it’s been way to short, i had important stuff to tell you . you had to show me your playground. fuck. it sucks. rest in peace.i am swimming in a dark cloud.
For now, i am trying to heal and I cant wait to get back on my skis and honor Chris Canabilla with skiing the rad and fast.
here are some pictures. unfortunately, i only had 2 days riding and i thought i had a months shooting lifestyle…so its limited to a few runs…
FLOATING FROM JUNEAU TO HAINES
christian cabanilla. floating juneau haines alaska
Christian Cabanilla floating -juneau-haines.
stylish cabanilla and his truck and sled.
David Sundnas
David Sundnas
David Sundnas
tom Konop
christian cabanilla
christian cabanilla
christian cabanilla
tom wayes
tom konop
tom wayes
tom wayes
christian cabanilla
christian cabanilla
christian cabanilla
christian cabanilla
christian cabanilla
this is the very last picture of Christian Cabanilla. we are both so stoked , this run looks sicko. we are going to get wasted tonight. 10 seconds later.game over.
what we fell down
Cedric Bernardini 
Cedric,
Through the darkness of this, I can find few reasons/good feelings. Through Christian, our friend, I have met you, Anthony and Inga. In the darkness for me that is my light.
I envy your five runs on the mountain with him. We never made that day out sledding together; He did not teach me to snowboard; we did not get to fly together…
When you return I will find a place for you to stay… maybe at 18 Meadows, maybe downtown. When you get here we will go sledding, I will be able to snowboard (bunny hill maybe) and we will make some turns. I do not want to lose another friend without doing the plans.
As Christian was family, you became, his faith/trust/friendship was all we need know.
Maybe that is the rainbow, the friendships.
It took time for me to accept the passing of so many before, I have learned that this to will at some point be a memory without paralyzing me. Try to believe it will be so.
Until we meet again, farewell, but come back soon.
George
March 19, 2013 at 1:54 am
Jeezus, Cedric. That was unexpected. I follow your blog, look at your amazing photos and wonder if I will ever do anything as rad on the slopes as you do – or ever manage to take pics as good as yours!! I guess big highs come with big lows, like life, always. But the test is what happens afterwards and I know that you will get back on that high. I am sorry for your loss and I hope you get back together all in one piece physically and emotionally and keep posting crazy pics for us all to wonder at.
Best.
March 19, 2013 at 6:50 am
Hey Ced. I was crushed to hear about Christian, my best friends little brother and a great friend of mine for of over a decade. I soon reasoned you must have been there with him. Happy to know you are OK, brother. See you back in the valley. RIP Cab, may your turns stay steep and deep in eternity.
Eivind.
March 20, 2013 at 9:02 am
Cedric, I’m terrified that I will read an article or see pictures with you, Brett or someone I love on the wrong side of luck. I know you are now feeling the extreme pain of loss that I dread so much. I pray healing comes sooner than later. XO
March 20, 2013 at 5:53 pm
Amazing! Nice work.
March 26, 2013 at 5:05 am
On se connait pas même si on se croise à Chx. Mais j aime à voir ton blog, j adore tes photos et tes histoires. Un mot de courage dans ce moment difficile, continues de tracer ta ligne…et de nous enthousiasmer.
March 28, 2013 at 2:34 pm
Cedric, thanks for sharing. I know it is hard, when you are able to write some more, do so and please share. Writing of such experiences feels like salt in wound but it will acelerate the healing process? To share such, allows fellow mountain travelers to learn from potential mistakes associated with dealing with the wide varity of variables in the mountains and commemorate the life of our friend Christian!
March 29, 2013 at 6:31 pm
Cedric, thanks for the sick photos of our buddy Christian. He and I were best friends since 4 years old. We both started snowboarding in Mammoth, Ca just after highschool and he had me jumping off 15 foot cliffs within my first few months of riding. He was always pushing for the next big adventure. Just last year I went to visit him in Valdez and got to experience his lifestyle, so sick.! He took me for a heli ride, snowmobiling, and snowboarding, fucking epic!!! We weren’t riding anything close to what you guys were riding but I almost rode off a 100 foot cliff one run and did a couple backflips down the mountain another run. Luckily, I got up and was able to ride the rest of the day. Fucking nuts!!!
Anyway, good to hear you survived and are doing well but our good buddy Christian is gone, I am having a hard time dealing with this loss as I am sure you are too. Fuck! Why? Goddammit! All I know is that he touched a lot of lives and his death is a reminder to us all that life is short and to live the best we can, challenge ourselves, and to dream big. Lets stay positive as he would want us to….hope to be able to meet you one day! Chris Carignan
April 2, 2013 at 6:04 am
I had the amazing opportunity to meet christian in October last year, he took me on heli rides twice in one day over the glaciers we had an instant connection like one of those love at first sight feelings, I knew we would be friends for life… I decided after those rides and how inspiring he was to take up flying rotors myself… His brother just called me told me with the news and sent me these links. I don’t think I’ve shed more sympathetic tears before in my life, I’ve never lost a friend or anyone in that fact.
My heart feels like it’s been torn from my chest and I can’t breath. I love him he was such a beautiful person inside and out.
Thank you for posting the photos
April 18, 2013 at 10:48 pm